Alien Project-In Which You See What Sort of Nonsense Runs Through My Brain

My friend, The Jeneral, has a daughter who had to do an alien project for school.  Because she’s an awesome mom, and wanted to help motivate her daughter, she decided to do the project herself, and invited her readers to do the same.  Us readers will judge between hers and her daughter’s projects, while they will judge ours.  I love The Jeneral, and being a teacher, I’m a sucker for anything that keeps kids having fun with the learning process, so I’m participating.  The following is my entry, which is linked up on her contest page:

Alien’s name: Catartha

Home Planet: Flatula

We are humans. What is your alien? Catartha is a female of the Flatulan race, born out of the purest clay in the entire universe.

Description:  She is of average size, that is, the equivalent size of a tea-cup chihuahua or a very fat squirrel.  Her current, and favorite shape is that of a lioness, but due to their moldable clay-like structure, Flatulans can morph into whatever shape they desire.  Despite her small frame, Catartha’s body is dense, and weighs a hefty thirty-seven pounds.  This density is common with the Flatulans, and actually evolved as a defense mechanism over time.  Have you ever seen anyone mess with a thirty-seven pound squirrel? I didn’t think so.  Due to the various climates across the planet Flatula, many different clay beds of diverse colors line the soil.  Catartha was born in the Plumerious region of Flatula, and thus, has a shiny, beautiful purple-blue hue tinged with swirls of silver.  If you were given the honor to touch Catartha, you would feel a cool, slick, wetness beneath your fingers; however, as you pulled your hand away, it would be clean and warm, as if you never set your hands upon her.  The curse of the Flatulans is their smell.  Living in moist clay beds their whole lives, they’ve acquired an acrid smell akin to the human fart.  This is unfortunate in our human opinion, but not bothersome to any other Flatulan.

Define what you think an alien is: To a mere human, an alien is any creature not born on the planet Earth.

How did you meet your alien?  When I was 12 years old, I was having a farting contest in my bedroom with my best friend, and we were letting some good ones rip.  As I pushed out the grandest of grand farts, I noticed Catartha sitting outside on the windowsill.  She was on a field trip to planet Earth, smelled our farts, and thought that maybe she had found a colony of Flatulans living on my planet.  From that moment on, we became instant friends and remained pen pals over the years.

What is your alien’s favorite meal?  If Catartha could live off of Slurpees, she would, as the fruity taste and icy consistency makes her do the happy dance.

How would you say “I am your friend” in its alien language?  “Pshtha brrumptha fetttha” is “I am your friend” in Flaturtha tongue.

How do you communicate with each other since you do not speak the same language? Catartha wears, what looks like a necklace, but is really a Universal Language Switcheroo Thingy. Really, that’s its name.  In any case, when she speaks, I hear English, and when I speak, she hears Flaturtha.

What would your alien learn in its alien school on his/her home planet?  Flatulans learn of their planet’s geography: why the different climates create different color clay beds, and the purpose behind the different clays.  This is all they need to know in life, and once it is truly understood, every other answer to life is also understood.

If your alien were on Earth and you wanted to keep it hidden, where would be the best hiding place for it? Why would you hide it there?  I would hide Catartha amongst my art supplies.  As long as she held very still, most people would simply think she was a clay lion sculpture that I was working on.

What would you say to your mom/dad to persuade them to let you keep your alien?  I’d let them know that she would be very easy to feed: one 79-cent Slurpee a day would be all she’d need.  Also, with her dense body frame, she’d be able to hold her own against our family pets.  Besides, she has a Universal Language Switcheroo Thingy, so she can actually communicate to our pets better than we can!

Describe your alien’s homeland or planet:  Flatula is a round planet made solely of clay.  There are many different regions on planet Flatula that harbor various colors and textures of clay.  Catartha is from the Plumerious region of Flatula, but there are also such regions as Cacario, home of the brown and yellow Flatulans, and Boogerium with their slimy, green clay beds.  Only Flatulans know of all the regions on their planet, as that is what they study in school to gain the answer to life.

Are there any benefits for humans and aliens to become friends? (For example: Do they have something we’d like to trade for? Technology or flying saucers? Rare gems? Secrets to world peace?)  There really is no worldly benefit to being friends with a Flatulan since it is forbidden for them to share the answers to life that they learn in school.  In fact, if you are friends with a Flatulan, and hang out with one on Earth, most other humans will avoid you due to the fartalicious smell emanating off your buddy.  The benefit is simply that you will have a special friend for life.

You discover that this alien has the makings of a perfect friend for 6th graders. Describe the characteristics that make him/her a good friend.  Catartha is the best listener anyone could ask for.  She wholeheartedly listens to whatever you feel like complaining to her about, and she never judges you or betrays your trust.  What you tell to Catartha stays with Catartha.  This is helpful when you want to tell her about a new crush, or whine about how Sarah totally stole your new look.

I left out the last one because it’s dumb and I didn’t want to subject you to any more of this crap than necessary. You’re welcome.  I’m so curious as to what the last question was, but I won’t lie, I’m kinda glad I didn’t have to answer another one.  I forgot what hard work it is being a student.  I’ll keep this experience in mind when assigning my next project. 

Even though Catartha could mimic a sculpture amongst my art supplies, I really have no sculpting abilities, so for my extra credit, this totally real, not-drawn-at-all, photo must suffice.

Even though Catartha could mimic a sculpture amongst my art supplies, I really have no sculpting abilities, so for my extra credit, this totally real, not-drawn-at-all, photo of me and her must suffice.

15 thoughts on “Alien Project-In Which You See What Sort of Nonsense Runs Through My Brain

  1. I’ve been waiting to read your post! Now I’m kind of jealous because what can top a fart alien being held in an adorable photo? Nothing, that’s what. Ok, jealousy over! I love your alien! Can I have one too?

    • A liquid seeker with awesomely funny similarities to Vagisil is definitely a top contender! And thanks, I’d give you one of my aliens, but I think the closest thing to a real life Flatulan would be a nice dump after a night of binging on blueberries.

  2. Well, I see that grade school and your humor are perfectly matched. Interesting assignment, might save it for a writing prompt…although something tells me I will get similar (yet less descriptive) versions of your answers. I think the fact that your alien looks a lot like a purple Simba should help your chances of winning this thing.

  3. Agh my first post didn’t go through! Stupid internet.
    ANYWAYS, I love the fact that your alien is purple. It makes me want one. ALSO. Mike loves Slurpees, possibly more than he loves me, so I’m wondering if this would be the perfect pet for us?

  4. Pingback: Part 1 of “The Project” is complete | Jeneral Insanity

  5. I’m a little late reading this but I can totally see, now, why this won Best in Show. It’s pretty much brilliant. And you followed the rules, both actual and figurative, of the assignment. Who even DOES that? Oh, right. Teachers.
    I completely love the different claybeds around the planet. That is genius. Awesome genius.
    Also awesome? YOUR BLOGGESS SHIRT!!!!!

    • Being a teacher makes me such a goody-goody. Or maybe being a goody-goody makes me such a teacher!

      But thank you!! I wish it was a real place so I could muck through all the fun clay beds.

      And yay!! I wondered if any fellow Lawsbians would notice my shirt?! You win a free Flatulan!

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